I couldn't STAND being alone with myself.
It was terrifying. As someone who prides herself on her own independence and confidence, this weakness of mine was difficult to cope with. It was difficult to recognize and truly be aware of what was wrong.
I just HATED being alone with ME.
I forced myself to TREAT MYSELF, once a week. I would take myself out to dinner and make myself sit with me. I wouldn't read or write. I had to entertain my own thoughts. I had to think of myself and ask/answer questions of me. This is not as easy as it sounds.
You start to recognize what is so terrifying deep down inside. You recognize the insecurities you face daily and all the deep thoughts that are easy to suppress when you stay busy. Sometimes, these are simply deep depressing memories. Those can be the worse. To think of where you've been and where you are. To recognize the change and lack there of. To really understand yourself.
I'd also treat myself to other things. I'd get coffee and sit outside. I'd people watch. Eventually, I became more comfortable so I'd allow myself to read and write. I'd listen to music and just relax. Maybe, I'd spend time straightening my hair and cleaning some things, but I'd always be sure to check in with my thoughts.
What was going on with me? How was I feeling this week? What could have been better? What are my plans for the upcoming week?
This little idea of TREATING MYSELF died out in the past few years. I suddenly found myself scared to be left alone. To go shopping, to pick up food....I couldn't possibly do those things on my own!
And I became angry at myself for letting me fall back into this weakness. I refused to let it build up as far as it did before. I have begun to TREAT MYSELF.
I'm taking 2 nights out of the week that are set aside for ME. They are nights for me to unwind, rethink, plan, act, assess and just enjoy myself.
I'm a strong supporter of loving ourselves first....and if we can't fully love and respect ourselves, then we are never going to be fully happy. And happiness is just not something I'm willing to let slip by.
I challenge you to treat yourself. Treat yourself to something special no one would assume you could do for yourself. Buy yourself some flowers. Have lunch on you! Bake for no reason at all. Listen to your favorite songs and dance alone.
Whatever it is, enjoy your own company. You're going to be stuck with more of that than you know. You might as well enjoy YOU.